The big IF

Today has not been a good day. I woke up already shaking, probably from hunger but that set the tone for me right then. I decided I wasn’t hungry so I choked down a small little meal and stayed in bed, finally around one I decided I needed to eat, so I got up made the trek to the car and drove with my mom to get some fast food, eat, and sit in the car while she ran errands. I had every intention of staying up afterwards but then all the physical symptoms started piling up, shaking hands, dizzy, heavy chest, the usual everyday feelings. So when I got back home, I laid down once again, a couple of hours later I got tired of feeling sick and laying down so I got up, opened the curtains, a window and sat in a chair. I decided I needed to do something so I sanded a cabinet for a few minutes and when that exhausted me I went back to laying down. Then I started getting restless and asked my mom to bring me to my place so I could shower, and possibly go get groceries. None of this happened, because the BIG panic set in and I stopped being able to focus, was having trouble swallowing, dizzy, shaking, my face was tingling, and my mind was going a thousand miles a minute with the “what if”. Which brings us to now, see the problem is I live my life around a what if. “What if I go to the grocery store and faint?” “What if I am about to have a heart attack?” “What if there is something seriously wrong with me physically and nobody is going to know until something catastrophic happens?” “What if my blood sugar dips too low?” “What if I have a seizure?” “What if I am taking a shower and pass out?” “What if I have to ride in an ambulance and stay in a hospital?” “What if I lose control of myself?” “What if I get dizzy in public where there is no place to sit down?” “What if friends come over and I don’t feel well but have to pretend I do?” These are just some of the what if questions that plague me almost daily. It’s ridiculous for me to live this way, and ridiculous that I have believed the lies of the enemy for so long to get me in this place. I sit all day on social media and observe other people’s lives, I think about how much fun they are having, and how they are living, and I get angry and sad about how I am not. The problem is I don’t know how to get out of the place I’m in. Then I wonder how many people that I look at on social media are actually being true to their lives in their posts, my posts tend to always be cheery, a photo taken at a good moment, on a day where I wore make-up, a status that’s positive because I know other people are struggling too and I want to be a light, a joke to a friend because inside of me that fun person is still wanting to come back out; but those things aren’t a true reflection of where I am at right now. If i was being true I would be posting a what if every 10 minutes. So why do we hide behind all of those things? I know we need to be able to keep our personal lives private, and everyone doesn’t need to know everything about us, but why, then would we post a lie? If I post the truth might it help someone else, and even if it doesn’t might it provide me with some freedom? I don’t know the answer to all of these questions and you probably don’t either but these are the things I’ve been thinking about today and I thought I would share them with you….So this evening I am trying to take the what if thoughts captive as they come, throw them away, and then declare a God truth over myself. It seems as if I could do this for hours and all though it becomes tiring after a few minutes, as long as my mind is believing the lie still I need to bombard it with the Word, and the promises of the Lord. Currently I am a slave to my mind, and that is not what God has planned for me, I need to start standing firm.

“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1

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2 thoughts on “The big IF

  1. Marissa, you are inspiring. I love you girlfriend this is just a season, and you will make it through. You know I’m just a phone call away if you ever need anything!

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