This is just the beginning

It all started years ago, my first vivd memory of a panic attack is from the age of 9. They were’t constant in my early years, in fact they rarely happened at all and when they did, I was sometimes forcing them out in order to get out of doing something I wasn’t keen on doing. All though I’m not proud to say that, it’s the truth and how are we ever to grow and move past something if we can’t speak truth about it? It wasn’t until junior high that it really started hitting me. My circumstances changed, my life changed, my grandfather the greatest man alive and my best friend passed away suddenly, my cousin someone who I looked up to in a bigger way then I knew then let me down in the worst way possible, and my father the man who I thought so highly of left the family. Later on my best friend was taken out of the world by cancer.. It was a crucial time in my life I was just becoming a teenager and my body was changing and I was trying to figure out who I was and all these events rocked me to the core, and without realizing it then I let myself fall into a spiral. I choose to be partially home-schooled in high school, the though of having to be somewhere, trapped, for hours was not something I could handle, I still attended weekly classes but only for hours at a time and not daily. I was the comedian of my friend group, the loud one, the life of the party, the center of attention, and that is how I coped. Some of my dearest friends didn’t even know my dad and mom had separated because everyday I put on a face for them instead of being real with them. It was easier to act like nothing was wrong, if I hid things from them I didn’t have to deal with my emotions, and at the time pushing them away seemed like the way to get past them. The problem with ignoring emotions is that one day they will come back, by stuffing them down, I only let them grow and become strongholds in my life. Instead of just facing them when they were happening, I ran. Running is something I have often done in my life, if I don’t like something I flee, I get away from it so that I don’t have to face it, a habit that is not healthy to have. So while I was running, and putting on a face that wasn’t my own in public I was having daily breakdowns at home to my family. It wasn’t right of me to do and they were all struggling with things that had happened and were happening as well, me only adding to their burdens. I chose not to medicate, I wanted to be able to overcome this on my own, to come out victorious using my own strength, and what is the problem with that way of thinking? The problem is I wanted to rely on my OWN strength, that leaving God out of the equation. Don’t get me wrong through this all I was attending church, praying, and reading my Bible daily, but when I was anxious I relied on myself and the world to bring me into a place of peace. The world, family, and friends could distract my mind for a time but when I gave them the responsibility of being that for them, I didn’t give God the ability to bring me through the trial and use it for his purposes. I got better for awhile, after meeting my husband I had something to look forward too, to be happy about everyday, I found strength in myself to travel cross the country on multiple plane flights to visit him, and I found peace in God’s presence. Finding peace in the Lord was the best thing I could have ever done, but I was still ignoring the trial and having God bring me through it and out of it no matter how hard overcoming some fears and scars might be….and that brings us to today. I’m 20 now, and this year my fears and anxieties have taken me out of life completely. I stopped coping by living and being the comedian and I started coping by hiding in my house and never going anywhere. I started coping by stopping living. You see the trails we face are often hidden gems, God lets us walk through them because he is refining us for His purpose. All though most of the time I don’t understand why He allows us to walk through certain trials, it is not mine to understand. All I need to understand is that He is working, and that He is bringing all things together for His greater good. So now, as I am writing this I have come to the realization that God is bringing me through this trial not to harm me, to strengthen me and I need to stop running from it and face it head on. I need to let God be in control and stop trying to control my life for Him. If you’ve read this far you are probably wondering why I am writing this, why I am sharing it on the internet with you? I am writing this and sharing it because I need to, I have been so hidden and closed off for so long even from my greatest friends something that is not fair to me or them, I need the people around me to be able to understand me and where I am in my life. Maybe God is going to use me in mighty ways to help other people walk the journey of anxiety, and maybe he is already using me to reach you as you read this. I don’t know his plan and I don’t need to know his plan, I trust in the fact that he is my victorious warrior and is going to bring far greater good than I could have imagined out of this situation. This blog is simply a place for me to process what is going on in my life and to share it with anyone who wants to read it or who is in the same place as I am. Sometimes all you need to get better is to know you are not alone…


2 thoughts on “This is just the beginning

  1. Awesome Marissa! The journey is one step at a time and this is one of those steps….and they all count towards healing! No step is longer or bigger than another because they all lead you to the destination, and it’s all sacred! Thanks for sharing your heart – that’s sacred space and an honor to hear about. Blessing you…

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